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March 17, 2005

THE 2005 BUDGET, AS BAD SCREENPLAY

Maybe I'll write a serious and thoughtful analysis of Brown's budget tonight. But bad screenplay versions of my thoughts are so much funnier, not to mention easier to write.

Brown: So the budget for 2005 is as...
Pensioners: Wah wah wah wah wah.
Brown: Hey pensioners! Over here! Free stuff! Shiny!
Pensioners: Oooh.
Brown: Oops, that buggers everything up.
Lewis: Hey, I saw that one coming.
Brown: Shut it. I don't know how I can pay for those hand-outs. Help me out here!
Lewis: Well, pump prices can never be high enough, so why not pick a few leaves from the oil money tree?
Brown: Good idea! So, as I was saying, I will give £150 million for young volunteers in community service projects and...
Lewis: Wait a second, that's child labour. Child labour is great but if this were going on in Vietnam or some other pesthole you'd be outraged about it. You could just reduce the minimum wage to zero and abolish child labour laws.
Brown: No. You see, when corporations hire child labour in third-world countries, it's exploitation. When the British government signs up a million children to work for nothing in government-selected projects, that's community service.
Lewis: What are you smoking?
Brown: Arbeit Macht Frei, foo'.
Lewis: ...
Brown: So, uh...what was I saying?
Lewis: Something about budgets.
Brown: Oh yeah. So um, handouts!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: And more taxes!
Lewis: Yeah, well I hate you too.
Brown: And more hand-outs!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: And also, some hand-outs!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: And free stuff!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: And hand-outs!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: And funding!
Lewis: Boo! Jeer!
Brown: Do you do anything but moan?
Lewis: Yeah. Do something cool to make me happy and I'll show you.
Brown: ...
Lewis: ...
Brown: Like abolishing a bunch of government departments?
Lewis:: Woohoo!
Brown: And equal tax breaks for gay couples.
Lewis: Tax breaks suck. :(
Daily Mail: YOU ARE TRYING TO PUT FILTHY HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS ON AN EQUAL FOOTING WITH MARRIAGE?? YOU SHOULD BE FLOGGED IN PUBLIC FOR EVEN SUGGESTING SUCH A THING! HOW DARE YOU!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!
Lewis: Well, irritating Daily Mail readers makes it all worthwhile.
Liberal Democrats: It's unfair.
Lewis: What?
Brown: What?
Liberal Democrats: You know. It. Like, taxes or whatever.
Brown punches Kennedy in the face.
Conservative Party: Whine, whinge, wah wah wah, you stole all our best ideas, wah, boilerplate Me-Too Party rhetoric, wah wah.
Brown: Shut it.
Lewis: What was that about?
Brown: Dunno.

Posted by Lewis at March 17, 2005 12:57 PM